Assalamualaikum,
Welcome back! to me, and also to you if you were ever here before. Its been long since I last posted here, I think I only posted here once last year. I might as well just make it an annual event. Fyi, I only write here when there is this one extraordinarily unusual feeling comes by. I didnt really know how to describe it, its just a weird feeling that used to come often, but now, I guess only once a year. Anyway, its my birthday yesterday! 31/1/2020. The last day of what seemed to feel like a freakishly longgg month. I am already tired just thinking of last January. I'm positive about the February and all the months to come tho.
You know what, I know I just turned 27 and its really not that old, but God, I feel like I'm really old. I don't know why I feel old, I'm not sick or anything (I should hope so), but I just feel urm I guess , tired. Its quite confusing and I haven't managed to really dissect the problem and understand what is going on, so lets do it together. And if you are also at the same 'place' as I am, let me know.
Please.
I think a major part of this 'ailment' is because I am no longer enjoying work and to be honest, sort of resenting myself for still sticking through and not move on to find something that fit my interest and passion or at least just move on for a change of air. Don't get me wrong, everything at work is fine. My boss is nice, my colleagues are helpful and everything else outside my tiny little head is really fine. Its just me. I think I cannot go on with the same routine anymore, plus the routine is not quite the things that I enjoy doing. I dont want to settle for routine I guess. I want to get excited for new things everyday, I want to learn. But those don't happen often anymore. That and a lot more things that I don't know how descriptively elaborate.
" I have to go to work, its my responsibility, my periuk nasi"
" I will find a new job but I dont want to move anywhere"
" Everything else is okay, just change my mindset and forget about passion and 'interest''
" This is only a phase, I will get through it and I will settle"
" Now is enough, Enough is good, stop pursuing the Unsure, Unsure is No Good"
Those are some of the thoughts that I'm battling with and possibly also what gets me tired, hence feeling old. We human are complicated creatures aren't we? When it seems like a lot of things going on externally, around ourselves, there's actually a lot more going on inside of mind. This constant battles is probably the culprit here in my case I think.
Another thing that I want to be honest with you about is, I am scared. I don't know where my life is going and that scares the crap out of me because I feel like I should already what I want to be in the next at least 5 years. Heck, I don't even know about next month. I am applying for scholarships again this year. Results are coming in February, March and April. That also what I am scared about. If you go through this blog and read about my previous scholarship experience, you may be able to understand the weight of this.
I think I should stop here. Dont want this post to be riddled with negativity.I dont want to ruin your day. Oh yaa, please don't take whatever that I write above as an indication that I am not happy. I am happy, and thankful to Allah for everything that He is blessing me with, a beautiful , kind and thoughtful wife, my beloved parents and family and in-laws , friends and for every single breath that I am taking now. I couldn't ask for more from Him.
I know how weak I may look now, its ok. I am weak. But at least I am trying to understand my complicated self and hopefully to come out stronger. Hey, everyone has something that we are battling with. Right? Every battle is difficult and dangerous. So we gotta be strong, be strong by being true to ourselves and be brave to open up and talk about it. Sorry this post took a very weird turn.Lets end it here. We'll talk again soon. Probably next year. Haha. Take care.
I think I should stop here. Dont want this post to be riddled with negativity.I dont want to ruin your day. Oh yaa, please don't take whatever that I write above as an indication that I am not happy. I am happy, and thankful to Allah for everything that He is blessing me with, a beautiful , kind and thoughtful wife, my beloved parents and family and in-laws , friends and for every single breath that I am taking now. I couldn't ask for more from Him.
I know how weak I may look now, its ok. I am weak. But at least I am trying to understand my complicated self and hopefully to come out stronger. Hey, everyone has something that we are battling with. Right? Every battle is difficult and dangerous. So we gotta be strong, be strong by being true to ourselves and be brave to open up and talk about it. Sorry this post took a very weird turn.Lets end it here. We'll talk again soon. Probably next year. Haha. Take care.
